The Capacity Gap: Why Putting in Boundaries is Terrifying (And how to build awareness)
The most difficult thing many of us ever do is acknowledge our vulnerability—the quiet truth that we can't do it all. And it feels like something to be ashamed of. But, it’s not.
As a high-performer, it can be scary to admit that a limit on how much you can do and carry exists. For many of us, this feels like a failure. For me, early in my career, acknowledging my vulnerability felt like a weakness and a risk. This is particularly true for women, who often feel a deep pressure to sustain an image of effortless perfection to be seen as valuable, performing and worthy. As women, we’re expected to do it all while looking stunning as we do it, and if we fall short, we’re afraid of judgement or other consequences that might come when we fall short of society’s expectations.
This initial acknowledgment is why putting in a boundary, especially if you've never done it before, feels so scary. Your Inner Critic insists you must be limitless, and you’ve spent years trying to soothe that voice.
You’ve read the advice: "Just say no." "Be firm." But, you’ve also heard what happens when you try to give one. “She doesn’t care enough” (even after a 40 hour work week) OR “His family is his priority, we’ll give the promotion to the other guy”. It’s almost like having a boundary is a crime. So, when the moment comes to hold a boundary it makes sense that you automatically say yes. Or, you feel trapped and powerless to say no because ‘we want to avoid negative consequences’. Shortly after, the tension starts: your chest might tighten, thoughts signal overwhelm, and you notice reactions familiar to you when you realize you said 'yes' when you really needed to say 'no'.
My Own Insight: Early on, a manager showed me two career paths based on the ‘Yes’ person and the ‘No’ person. The path for the 'Yes' person still had a good career, but their possibility for leadership was much smaller and less effective. Learning to say 'No' was not a weakness; it was a leadership skill.
Fortunately, even though I struggled with different types of boundaries to manage my anxiety, this early intervention helped me start laying the foundations of protected time and to move away from overwhelm.
At The Balanced Vision, it’s understood this isn't a failure of willpower; it’s your nervous system beautifully trying to protect you and keep you safe.
This post will explain the psychological and somatic reason you get stuck, introduce you to the two groups of capacity, and show you the first step to building true resilience through self-awareness.
Section 1: The Root Cause—Your Nervous System’s Beautiful Protection
Your mind and body are locked in a battle rooted in primal safety, not professional workflow. This is why holding a boundary often feels like a threat: Your anxiety is a sign of intense, misdirected loyalty to your past.
1. The Survival Threat (The Perfectionism-Shame Trap)
Your nervous system registers the change (setting a boundary) as a threat. Why? Because the Inner Critic has created a powerful equation, often fueled by shame—the fear that you are inherently flawed or unworthy of connection:
Setting a Limit -> Poor Performance -> Loss of Value -> Unworthiness
For the body, unworthiness or a loss of value equals the fear of abandonment and not belonging. Your anxiety isn't about the boundary; it's the protective alarm bell against the fear of being unliked, unworthy, not good enough, or even abandoned. This pressure is magnified for high-performing women who internalize the need to be perfect to sustain their worth. Your brain is working hard to keep you "safe" by forcing you to say yes.
2. The Two Groups of Capacity when managing stress (The Behavioral Difference)
We see people manage this internal conflict in two distinct ways—one that is reactive and one that is intentional:
🟢 Group 1: The Reactor. This person manages the anxiety itself by soothing it after it has been triggered. They are overwhelmed and lead from fear.
Example: Checking their work calendar late Sunday night just to be sure no early morning meeting was scheduled over the weekend. They soothe the anxiety rather than prevent it.
🟡 Group 2: The Resilient. This person manages anxiety by changing the behavior that causes it in the first place. They lead from intention.
Example: Blocking their calendar Friday afternoon for the following Monday morning, so no new meetings can be scheduled until Monday afternoon.
The fundamental shift is an act of courageous capacity—choosing your well-being over the fear that your reputation or safety will be negatively affected.
Section 2: The Boundary Trap and the Somatic Secret
Many people believe, "My job doesn't allow boundaries." This is the Boundary Trap.
The deeper truth is that when you believe your environment is unsafe, your nervous system responds by overworking. Boundaries aren't about changing the job's demands; they are about changing how you intentionally meet them.
Note: I am mindful that some organizational cultures truly do not allow boundaries. However, there are still possibilities to try and see how they land. E.g. “I can only complete one of these 2 activities by x time. Which is the higher priority?”
Your Body Secret: Pay Attention to the Signal from your body
The first step to building capacity is not saying "No." It is self-awareness.
Your body always signals stress before your mind does. This is the core of my approach at The Balanced Vision:
The Somatic (Body) Check-In: Where do you feel this boundary conflict? Is it a tight chest, clenched jaw, or sinking stomach? This is your body telling you a line has been crossed or you’re working from within Group 1 (The Reactor).
The Intentional Shift: By noticing the physical signal, you create a tiny pause—a space to move out of the anxiety-driven reaction and into an intentional choice for capacity.
Section 3: The Pathway Forward—From Awareness to Anchored Change
If you are currently feeling the shame and anxiety of Group 1, you need a gentle path forward. The goal is to move from awareness to courageous action.
Step 1: Deepening Self-Awareness (The First Step)
You need to identify the specific fears that are activating your protective nervous system. You can't change what you haven't seen.
I created the Courageous Capacity Checklist to help you develop awareness and uncover the limits you're ready to test. This checklist guides you through:
Behavior you want to change.
The Core Belief Audit: Uncovering the fear/thought that comes when you think about this boundary (e.g., 'If I don't perform, I don't have value', ‘I must be lazy).
The Somatic Check-In: Naming the physical signal of your anxiety. (Heaviness in your )
The Intention: What is the value that comes with changing the behavior? (Better quality work or consistent start time)
Committing to Courage: Taking one small step to challenge that fear by puting in a slight change. (Note, thinking about doing it and visualizing yourself doing it also helios here)
Example from my own experience: When I was early in my career, I lived in California and my client was in the UK. The client was quite demanding and I really wanted to perform well. I often felt like I was failing expectations of the client, but it was actually my own beliefs showing up. As a result, I felt anxiety when I first woke up.
Step 2: From Awareness to Anchored and Supported Change (Going Deeper)
The checklist will bring you crucial awareness, but many people hit a point where they feel stuck in their story or patterns of behaviors—they see the problem but can't physically rewire the old, fear-driven pattern. This is why self-help books and to-do lists often fail.
If this deep self-awareness resonates, and you are ready to move beyond reading and into anchored, sustainable change, I offer a Capacity Clarity Session. This is a single, focused session where we will:
Identify together the boundary wanting to be put in place
Work to Somatically Anchor a new boundary into your body's system, helping it feel safe to hold without the rush of anxiety.
Note: Effectiveness depends on your readiness.
Create an actionable plan rooted in your unique capacity.
This session is designed to offer a powerful, contained experience of transformation. It’s a way to experience the deep somatic work of The Balanced Vision and see if it’s the right next step for your long-term resilience.
Ready to build a life of healthy, connected, and intentional capacity?
Download the Awareness Tool: Embed the opt-in form here for the Courageous Capacity Checklist and start your self-audit today.
Book the Change: If you are ready to anchor a new boundary and feel what it is like to lead from resilience, click here to book your Capacity Clarity Session.
